Saturday, February 25, 2012

holding

So, I promised I’d keep in touch better, and I haven’t, but this time there is a reason. Like I said before, last week I went to the Segou Music Festival. It was a lot of firsts. My first time to the music festival, my first time to Segou, my first time out of my region, my first time on an African bus, my first time camping. And I have to say, I survived quite nicely. I needed that vacation. I needed my friends and an escape from site. I traveled recovering from an upper respiratory infection, and with a swollen and bruised leg (more later). My fellow Goodfellas were impressed, which I calmly responded, “I came because I needed you.” I think I surprised them with the frankness and their inclusion in my decision to come. Anyway, I had an amazing time. I had great conversations, laughed, ate well. It was fabulous, and unfortunately my camera died in the middle of day two, but soon I hope to share some pictures. At least one of the fifteen I took of the Niger River and fishing that was not thwarted by the mass festival and all the tourists.
Segou Music Festival. Check. And well done.
Now I’m here in Bamako. Why you ask? Well, remember that leg issue I mentioned? Turns out elevating  it just wasn’t enough and now I’m on multiple meds—blood thinners, antibiotics, vitamin B, ibuprofen, increased circulation—and not allowed to go back to site until everything is on the up and up. The good news is that the bruising is decreasing, so my leg is not black and blue. But, it’s still swollen. And my toes are tingly which isn’t a good sign about the circulation factor. On Monday I go back to the hospital for blood tests and then we will take it from there. I will be on blood thinners through the end of the week, so at the very least I’ll be here until then. Don’t fret, it’s not as painful as it was, just don’t touch it. Though, the fact that it’s not black and blue does decrease some of the sympathy, and therefore the willingness of other PCVs to give me the whole couch in the living room (what can I say, I’m willing to work the system!) but say blood thinners and you got them! I am in the sick room, which means a comforter and only one roommate instead of six. But since I have this time, feel free to write me emails about your life and what you’re up to since I currently have all the time in the world to read them.
In the meantime, I’m catching up on trashy magazines, episodes of Glee (can we just say how awesome the Valentine’s Day one was? I mean CMON!), and movies upon movies upon movies.
More to come as I know more.  Until them, let the adventures of med hold continue.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

over the river and through the woods


so tomorrow morning (bright and early) i'm heading out to segou for the music festival. i'll be one of over 100 PCVs and, you guessed it, meeting up with most of my fabulous Goodfellas. I need this vacation. This trip. I need to talk to my girls and wear eyeshadow, eat good food, and probably not get enough sleep. I'm going to worry about my manicure and whether or not someone will buy me a beer. I'm going to go shopping and have dance parties. And I'll be back to tell you all about it. :)

ups, downs, and the hike in between


Dear reader, follower, and friend,

Hi. I know it’s been a while. Ok, so it’s been a long while, and to be honest, I’ve been avoiding you. Sorry. Not to say that I haven’t been thinking about you, or hoping that you know that I’m ok, that I’m still here. But there was something stopping me from writing, something stopping me from being present and from wanting to let you in; I guess you could say I was pushing you away, giving myself more of a buffer, allowing whatever is going on inside my head to take over. (For better or for worse.)

You want to know what’s going on in my life. Well, how long do you have? Sure, there has been stuff: art class, another round of exams, oh yeah, and before any of that the New Year. I went back to Bamako for a little training, got sick again, and here I am, writing from the office because the house doesn’t have internet right now (shocker) and fighting with my computer (shocker again!).

But this isn’t about the stuff.

Of course, you know that already seeing how if you know me at all, you have come to the conclusion that with me, there is always something underneath the surface.

Which brings us to the problems.

Whoever said misery loves company was wrong. My misery is scary. It’s dormant, lying just close enough to the surface that it craws out at very inconvenient moments, but there in high enough alert to fester in my head when I go to sleep at night. It’s there and it’s not going away.

So I’ve been fighting.

Well, some days I fight. Some days I let it win. Some days I go through the motions hoping that the day will close and I will find myself back in bed where I can close my eyes and no one will judge me for anything, it will be just the fan and me.

It’s an uphill climb. A constant. And for me, it’s all about how I deal with it. Who I talk to, what I say, how much understanding I get and the results.

I started this Peace Corps journey hoping to start over somewhat. Hoping I would find a group of people who didn’t have to know about my past or my demons, I was hoping for magic, some sort of clean slate. But clean slates don’t exist. People remember. People figure things out. And demons, well they have no care for geography or job; they will follow you wherever.

I will share my story. Some people will get it, others will flee from it, but it will come. And the walls will come down. I can’t hide behind taking care of everyone else, of being there for everyone else, of listening to everyone else. It’s time for me. I need someone to look after me, to make sure I’m ok, to listen to me.

I’ll get there. I’ll start asking the right questions. I’ll start putting myself first.

Just because it’s been bad doesn’t mean it won’t end. Or I hope.

It all starts right here. Right now. It starts by saying no, it starts by going on vacation, and it starts by painting my nails red and watching bad romance movies.

I’m not 100%. But, I’m going to be ok. It’s my new priority.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012