Thursday, December 12, 2013

just a girl

from Paper Towns, John Green
I remember toward the end of my junior year in high school liking this boy and when we got back to school in the fall people asking me what was the deal between the two of us. While I had absolutely no idea of it at the time, I suppose there was some general curiosity into the social life of the wallflower and soon to be valedictorian that I was, and friends of ours starting playing matchmaker. Even though everyone’s attempts fell apart--timing has never been my strong point in relationships-- I recall telling someone that the reason I would always remember said boy was that through all the drama that was senior year, and for all the expectations I had accumulated -- Ivy League future, speeches, honor societies-- at the end of it what he saw was just a girl. And that I loved.



It’s something that I think about all the time, the idea of something versus that actuality of something, and how often in our lives it’s not something but rather someone. We have to knock them off the pedestal we put them on to save them and ourselves, we can’t live on pedestals and often we never ask to be put there in the first place.

Sometimes I think about how I have become such an open book in recent years. I didn’t use to be this way-- so loud, so opinionated -- but I think one of the reasons I am has come out of the way I have been perceived -- as having it all together, having the perfect family, being destined for greatness-- I knew I couldn’t live under the shadow of perception forever, so in order to beat it, I just began talking.

I’m still being told that I am intimidating. My resume is too long, my adventures too grand, my dreams too big, so I wait. I wait for the people who when they look at me, they just see a person, a girl.

Yesterday I was in meetings for four hours all talking about self-reflection and strengths. (Yeah, it was a little heavy.) At one point we start talking about how you would describe yourself if you couldn’t use the regular statistics. What would you say if you didn’t say where you were from? Or how old you are? Or your one quirky fact? What would you add to the conversation? Who are you?

After some thought, I think this is my answer...for now…

I am a dreamer, a loner, a creative. I long to feel purposeful and needed by those around me. I want to give of my time and energy to a cause and fight for it with everything I am. I am an overachiever, sometimes controlled my to do lists and high standards. I am loyal to a fault, have no patience for ignorance or cruelty, and have a soft spot for John Green novels and chocolate. I feel totally safe feeling small and have owned the fact that twenty-five is a beautiful age because you really are smart enough to know better and young enough to go dancing all night and then eat chocolate milkshakes at 2am. I am just a girl who may or may not be on the precipice of greatness. Do you see the girl?

this is me! picture from yesterday in my new sweater

Saturday, December 7, 2013

the holiday season

Interlochen Holiday Party. ResLife Represents
hello hello! so i know it's been forever...and I have so much to write about! but right now i'm under the weather and years have taught me that one shouldn't publish things when under the influence of cold medicine. so please come back when there is more to say. in the meantime...

find me on pinterest. or instagram.

and i'll be back!