frozen

Do you ever get cold feet? I mean the, ohemgee what have I gotten myself into, can I run away without anyone noticing, do I even care if people notice, put me back in, holy mother, kind of cold feet? If you haven’t, well, first of all consider yourself lucky, and rest assured, it’s not pleasant. It’s a massive mind game, a push and pull, a never-ending pros and cons list. The worry will keep you up at night and the dread for changing your mind will keep you in bed.

You know what I have to say about that?

EW.

But, in all honesty, which is the purpose of a blog when the author is convinced five people read it including the four members of her immediate family, that’s exactly where I am…I’m stuck with cold feet.

As you may remember I got into grad school at the University of Edinburgh. I know,it’s awesome.  It’s a great opportunity. I will learn all of the things and in two years I could be sitting pretty in some swank office (or nonswank…but office) in some city and never look back. What could be sounds fabulous—so fabulous in fact that writing about it makes me feel silly for having cold feet. Who doesn’t want to flit away and study in Scotland? (Beside the whole haggis thing…nothing about that sounds ok.)

Now, as I am in the middle of summer and in the middle of figuring out VISA jargon and financial aid crap and the whole list of logistics that seems to elongate and never shrink adds up to such a point I can’t see straight. Where’s the money coming from? Am I ready for this? I am actually signing up to write papers? That just sounds stupid.

And all of the sudden, as quickly as I elevated to cloud nine I’m crashing down.

There was a plan. I was supposed to follow it. I didn’t. And now I’ve gotten carried away and in this headspace of uncertainty and vast annoyance (at myself really).

I guess I just want to go back three months and redo it all. Change some key decisions and be enjoying my summer and these weeks of freedom.

But I can’t. And now the question of moving forward seems like the hardest one on the world.

Cold feet sucks.